FIFTY SHADES OF BDSM

FIFTY SHADES OF BDSM

 

When I first wrote No One But Madison, I spent quite a bit of time researching BDSM. As usual, I turned to the Internet and printed countless articles, slang dictionaries, etc. I read book after book. I downloaded samples of contracts those in the lifestyle created and signed before entering into a relationship. But the writings of those in the lifestyle and those examining it failed to give me the one thing essential in understanding the people who live it. And so, I joined forums, live groups, and visited the clubs. Yes, the hubby loved my research.

What I discovered when I left the Internet helped me form my characters and story.

1. Relationships were built BEFORE a man ever shoved a contract under a potential submissive's nose. A relationship built on trust, love or the beginnings of love, and similar likes and dislikes in regard to BDSM.
2. I don't recall ever seeing someone as young as twenty-two in a club and if one should walk in, it is to get a taste of the scene.
3. Meetings include workshops on various techniques used to instill pain safely, weapons of pleasure, and control.
4. Abuse is taken very seriously, more so than outside the life. I constantly saw brochures on abuse, how to know if you are in an abusive relationship, and what to do, where to go, and how to end one if you believe your's is one.
5. Sure, those in the life fall for someone new to it and lead them into it, but they don't make that person decide on a first date.
6. There are couples who have relationships where one member completely controls every aspect of a person's life. The submissive in that relationship is called a slave. Not sure a never-been-kissed virgin on a first date would miss the slave aspect.
7. Not everyone into BDSM has emotional issues or pasts filled with abuse. Some just discover that the sting of a flogger heightens their senses or their day-to-day lives are so full of responsibilities and power that they want to give that up when they get home and interact with their partner...and vice-a-versa.
8. Giving up control in a sexual relationships frees the mind of morals and fears.
9. The submissive has the final say. Ergo the safeword. Here is where many grow confused about who is truly in control.
10. Domninants get pleasure from their position because, yes, they like being the one in control, but they are fully aware that the submissive has offered this gift, can take it back if they abuse it, and is trusting them to never cross a line the submissive has drawn.
11. Submissives get pleasure from their position because, yes, they like feeling helpless and out of control, but they are fully aware that the dominant will give them the pleasure/pain they enjoy and will never cross the line they have drawn.
12. After one night at Paddles in NYC, I learned that lifestylers have full, unforgettable personalities. I found every one of the people I spoke with interesting and unique whether they held a dominant or submissive position.
13. People in the lifestyle are naturally drawn to seek out those in the lifestyle.
14. A masochist is someone who gets pleasure from pain. (Note the word pleasure.)
15. A sadist is someone who enjoys giving pleasure through pain. (Note the word pleasure.) 
16. S/M means sadomasochism, giving and receiving pain for pleasure. If there is no pleasure on both sides, then it is not S/M, it is abuse.
17. S/M is always consensual, if not, it is abuse.
18. S/M is fun and sexually gratifying, if not, it is abuse.
19. S/M is loving.
20. S/M must be enjoyed by both partners.
21. S/M is dependent upon respect for each partners limits, both the dominant's and the submissive's.
22. S/M revolves around trust.
23. B&D means bondage and discipline.
24. B&D is always consensual, if not, it is abuse.
25. B&D is fun and sexually gratifying, if not, it is abuse.
26. B&D is loving.
27. B&D must be enjoyed by both partners.
28. B&D is dependent upon respect for each partners limits, both the dominant's and the submissive's.
29. D&S means dominance and submission.
30. D&S is always consensual, if not, it is abuse.
31. D&S is fun and sexually gratifying, if not, it is abuse.
32. D&S is loving.
33. D&S must be enjoyed by both partners.
34. D&S is dependent upon respect for each partners limits, both the dominant's and the submissive's.
35. Some are into D&S but not S/M or B&D.
36. Some are into B&D but not S/M or D&S.
37. Some are into S/M but not D&S or B&D.
38. BDSM covers it all. S/M, B&D, D&S, fetishes, etc.
39. Top means the dominant or person with the power.
40. Bottom means the submissive or person giving up power.
41. Switch means someone who can be either submissive or dominant.
42. Scene is the time in which two or more people are involved in a S/M physical activity.
43. Edgeplay means bringing a scene or relationship into the risky realms of BDSM. This is dangerous and should only be considered when both are experienced in BDSM.
44. Aftercare is a time after a scene. It not only involves cleaning and soothing. It is a time of tenderness and loving. This is when a dominant will sometimes simply hold a submissive until he/she is again grounded, speaking words of love or ensuring that every aspect of the scene was agreeable to each.
45. Safeword is a word a participant uses to end a scene that has crossed the line between pleasure/pain and pure pain.
46. A safeword should not be "no", "no more", "stop". It should be a word that would not otherwise come up during a scene. Let's face it, sometimes when we are already in the throes of pleasure, no means yes in this lifestyle.
47. If a person is ever ridiculed, humiliated, or bullied when using the safeword, that person is not in a safe relationship no matter how quickly that word passes his/her lips.
48. SSF means Safe, Sane, and Consensual. This is the foundation of a BDSM relationship. Without this foundation, it is abuse.
49. Safe: Both participants are knowledgeable about techniques, tools of pleasure/pain, safety, and the risks involved.
50. Sane: Neither participant suffers from mental illness or mental health issues. Both participants are fully aware of that line dividing fantasy from reality.
51. Consensual: Limits are understood and agreed upon before moving into a relationship OR scene. Both participants have fully agreed to participate. Sometimes this involves a contract but in the beginning, when a couple enters into a first scene together, it is verbally discussed.
52. And, although some fictional accounts include alcohol prior to a scene, this is taboo in the lifestyle. Both participant, dominant and submissive, should have nothing fogging their judgement, something crucial to ensure that line between pleasurable pain and pure pain is never crossed. Also, drinking prior to a scene can be harmful to the submissive's health and life. Remember, the submissive holds the safeword. Note "safe". Clubs serve juice.
53. Ok, so more than fifty. But I could go on and on.